On-Line Dating-AKA-Liars Anonymous

Recently I broke up with a man I had been dating because it just wasn't going anywhere. Newly single I decided to try the on-line dating sites. First I tried EHarmony. I did not pay, I just wanted to see what was available. I filled in the endless questions. Right away I started receiving hits & e-mails. Ron is a perfect match for you, Dave is just perfect, Bill maybe the one you are looking for. So, each day I reviewed their profile. Ron was 67, my limit is 60. Dave was 5'5", I specified no one under 6'. Bill was a Jesus freak, I stated non-religious (I'm not, I just don't want to deal with bible thumpers). Maybe two out of 20 met my requirements. You cannot browse profiles, EHarmony chooses the men for you according to your requirements. The majority of men were no where near what I requested. So why do they bother to ask, why did I spend hours filling in questions?

Next I try Yahoo personals, same thing, lots of e-mails from men, but none I was interested in.

Then I try POF. It's free & you can do searches for men you are interested in. Sounds like a good deal right? Wrong! POF SUX!

What is it about on-line dating that brings out the liar in people? Since when is "average" weight obese & when did 5'7" become 6', is athletic the new term for couch potato?

The first week on POF I got lots of messages. Like in bars, you ignore the first guys that hit on you. More than likely they have been hanging out there for years. Losers! Desperate! Players! Married!

The next week I got some interesting guys, at least according to their profile. One guy messaged me & we chatted several times before deciding to meet. His pic was just a head shot, but he said he was 55, 6'2", athletic & listed all these outdoor things he was into. He had a great personality & fantastic sense of humor. So I agreed to meet him for lunch. What do I get - a short, fat, old, really old, bald bubba. Why? If he would have been truthful maybe I would have dated him. Why lie? I was so shocked, so disappointed. I told him I was just pure disgusted with his deceipt & was so sorry he did this & I left. Boy was he pissed, he sent me numerous messages telling me what a bitch I was. Yeah, like I made him lie.

The next guy professed to be a nice, Southern gentleman, who had retired, was financially set, was looking for a long term relationship with someone who wanted to travel with him in his newly purchased RV. He too was athletic, in good shape & young for his age. We chatted a few times and agreed to meet. Liar, liar, liar! He was so fat he hadn't seen his feet in years. He made grunting noises when he walked (waddled), gross noises like he couldn't breath. Oh he was 6'2" alright, but at 500 pounds, who cares! He looked so pitiful & desperate I didn't dare just walk away, so I sat & chatted then had lunch with him. After we ate he proudly showed me his RV. He charged out to the parking lot, letting the door slam on me. Then he pointed out this old beat up truck with a camper shell on top. RV-what? Are you kidding me? I was nice, I was polite, but I never answered any of his messages again. He stalked me, he sent me messages, lots & lots of them, yuk! Finally I blocked him, so what does he do? He changes his profile name & starts sending me more messages, but duh he forgot to change his picture. Stupid fool!

Some people are so delusional. Don't they have mirrors in their house? It's like the people that attend class reunions and are amazed at how old everybody else looks. It just doesn't occur to them that others are saying the same thing about them. They are just absolutely delusional about their looks!

The next guy I meet is, of course according to him, young for his age, athletic, in his 50s, 6'+, athletic, yada yada yada. Again, over weight, old, short, couch potato. But this one is sick, he has had several heart attacks & is looking for a nurse, but he calls it a "long term" relationship. Yeah, like I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of a sick, bedridden old fart. A frozen face because of a stroke is not what I want to see when I wake in the morning.

It doesn't stop there, I got the sickos that send sexually explicit messages & the sickos that send penis shots, the married men who's wife doesn't understand them, one guy was in prison for murder & the endless youngins looking for a cougar, the rejects just went on & on & on. Ridiculous, dysfunctional, liars!

What is it about on-line dating? Why do some people think they can put whatever they fancy in their profile? Are they really that delusional or are they just plain ass liars? I think they are just plain ass liars!

MENOPAUSE BARBIES

My girl friends & I are in our 50s & early sixties. We're all single, either divorced or widowed. You see us in the high dollar boutiques, the wine bistros, playing tennis at the country clubs, or doing lunch at the little French cafes.

We're the old ladies with the suntanned toned bodies with perfect hair & manicured fingernails wearing high dollar clothes & carrying fantastic handbags. We all have had boob jobs, face lifts, & do botox monthly. We go on cruises & take week-end trips to Mexico.

Most of us don't work. With the exception of doing voluntary work. We own little boutiques or art galleries or antique stores, but we really don't work, not the typical 9 to 5 job. We work when we want to because we are too busy doing the things our husbands wouldn't let us do when we were married.

We're rich or at least most of us are, the rest just pretend to be. We call our selves the Menopause Barbies & we are Cougars.

COUGARS

Cougar is a relatively new term, but we have been around for years, hiding away in the 'burbs pretending to be happily married housewives. We have children nicknamed Buffy, Chipper, Sissy, yada yada yada. Our husbands had high powered jobs, wore suits & screwed their perky titty secretaries.

We had yard boys, pool boys, cabana boys, house boys. We hired boys from outside our neighborhood for any & all jobs we were too lazy to do. Not until we found out our husbands were screwing around did we realize these "hired boys" could be useful in other rooms of the house.

Our husbands went through phases. First it was the "I have to travel for my job" phase, where he was gone on work travel the majority of the time, always accompanied by his very young, very perky titty secretary. Then when the kids went off to college he went through the "old man, pot bellied, man titty, out of shape, high blood pressure, no interest in sex" phase.

During these man phases, out of the necessity for sexual survival, the Cougar was born.

I caught my best girl friend naked in her pool doing things with her "yard boy" that I thought only porn stars did, certainly not suburban housewives. I let out a huge gasp, which they heard, but weren't even startled. Instead they giggled & asked me to join them. I fled embarrassed & shocked, ran to my house developed a migraine, took a Valium & went to bed.

For weeks, I avoided the both of them. When "the yard boy" came by I went shopping, when the girls invited me to lunch, if "she" was also invited I made an excuse not to join them. Oh, but I thought about it, a lot, fantasized really. The thought haunted me to the point where I just had to talk with "her" & find out how I too could get in on the action. Of course this thought repulsed & shocked me, but the thought of sex overrode any indecision I had & muffled my common sense.

My husband was over the "screwing his secretary" phase & was going into the "too fat, too out of shape, not interested in sex & couldn't get it up" phase. I was in the "children can fend for themselves, done with menopause, ready to play" phase. But I had no one to play with, thus another Cougar was born.

Coming Out Of The Closet

We had a group of friends that we were very close to. Six couples that we went on vacations with, went to dinner with, had yard parties with, yada yada yada.

We girl friends went shopping together & shared stories about our children. Our husbands went to lounges & shared stories about their sexual encounters.

My girl friends all of them were Cougars. What? How come no one told me they were "playing" with the hired "boys"? They were doing "IT" with these college boys? What? When did this happen? Oh my goodness!!!

I really found out about my girl friends the day I "did" my "pool boy". Yep, he was the first, but certainly not the last. He was the one that told me he & the other "boys" had sex with the majority the neighborhood housewives. He told me a lot more too.

Apparently being hired as a "boy" in our neighborhood was a very desirable job. To the point where they would actually be "auditioned" for the job. If the boy wasn't fantastic in bed, he wouldn't get the job as pool boy, or yard boy, or yada yada yada. The pay wasn't good, but the perks were fantastic. My neighbors brought their "boys" with them on vacation, Hawaii, Mexico, Italy, the beach front summer cottage, yada yada yada. They went along to help take care of the kids. In reality they went along to "service the mama".

The "boys" were given presents too. High dollar clothes, jewelry, cash, stereos, computers, cell phones, what ever they requested. BUT, they only lasted for about a year, they'd get fired & move on to a job at another house.

The wives did the hiring & the husbands did the firing. The husbands had a vague idea of what was going on, but when it got too obvious, or the boy started bragging, or got too greedy they were fired.

Unfortunately, the majority of us stayed married out of convenience. We girl friends coined the word Cougars & our husbands coined the word Convenient. It was more convenient to be married, for the children's sake, more convenient for our husbands jobs, more convenient for financial reasons, yada yada yada. A very sad situation, but very convenient!

Cheating was the norm, but it was over looked, it certainly was not discussed. Oh we had a few neighbors that divorced because the husband got his young secretary pregnant, but it was rare.

Of course, once the children were grown & on their own it was no longer convenient to be married, so we divorced. Our husbands got themselves back in shape, got prescriptions for Viagra, married young girls, started a new family & wished they hadn't. We girl friends got divorced, traveled, dated "boys" & thoroughly enjoyed being single. We came out of the closet & became full time Cougars.

MIDDLE AGE DATING

We may think dating has evolved due to Women's Lib, men being more sensitive & just plain ole growing up. But it hasn't, we're still playing the same games we played in high school. It's like we're stuck in the 13th grade.

I have dated more men than I care to admit to. I have dated nerds, bad boys, rich men, poor men, nice guys, players, the just plain ole crazy men & men that are in a category all their own. I have been involved in the drama games; the I'll kill myself if you leave game, the I'll kill you if you leave game, the my wife doesn't understand me, the jealousy/control, the don't leave me I'm sick & dying & yada yada yada. And I am not beyond playing my own games when necessary.

I like men, I like the way they smell, I like the way they feel, I like the way they think. I like their competitiveness. I like the way they get real protective & macho. I like men! But dating makes me crazy!

It makes me crazy to know the first few dates are all pretend. I just hate it that within no time he will show his true self. And the man that gave me the giggles & butterflies in my stomach is a crazy lying social path, with erectile dysfunction.

It only takes me a few dates to know if I want to continue dating a man, my women's intuition goes crazy on me. I almost always listen to my intuition.

There are the guys that are emotionally scared or maybe scarred. The ones that are totally into you but won't admit it. They would rather loose you than to admit they have wussed out & fallen in love. They would rather spend the rest of their lives in regret with a "safe" woman. A "safe" woman is the one who will do ANYTHING for her man, it doesn't matter that he is not in love with her, it only matters that he stick around. A safe woman is perfect for an emotionally retarded man, they know they will never fall in love with her so there is no risk of getting hurt. He knows she will always be there, she's his mama.

The most disappointing part about dating is that one guy that is a super gentleman, is funny, is smart, takes you to the best places, treats you like a lady, buys the greatest presents, knows just what to say to make you feel special, but kisses like your old grandma. No chemistry, nope, none at all. Oh whoa is me, why, why, why?

Breaking up is hard even after just a few dates. Having to tell someone that you really don't click, that you aren't interested in them is very difficult. Most men won't deal with this, they just disappear. Poof & they are gone, no calls, no nothing, just gone, fell off the face of the earth! My girl friends hate this. They moan & groan & cry, "what happened, what did I do wrong"? They just can't grasp the - "he didn't like you concept".

I have only disappeared on a man once. It was out of pure necessity. I knew better than to confront him I knew I would not be able to control my evil twin sister, she was just dying to have her say & I knew once I started talking I would not be able to stop.

He & I dated for about 3 months, it was great because I didn't listen to my intuition!!! I refused to believe this man was dating several woman at one time and had a special woman he lived with. All the signs were there, but I ignored them.

We were at dinner one night when a woman walked in, looked at the two of us, her mouth dropped open, tears burst through & she bolted. He sat there calmly looking down as if he didn't even notice. I knew right there & then that he had just gotten busted. I disappeared the next day, poof gone, over, done!

He called & called but I refused to talk to him. About a year later we ran into each other & began dating again. This time I told him I was dating others & would only date him occasionally. He said he too was dating someone. I assumed she knew she was not the only woman he was dating. We went out a lot, not just occasionally, he stayed at my place or I stayed at his for days at a time. How could she not know where he was? Duh, how could I not know?

Then one day I got a call from a strange woman, she asked for me by my full name. Thinking it was a sales call, I asked her what the call was in reference to. Her reply, I think you are dating my man. "Sorry, I said, "but you need to discuss this with your man." She called several times after this but I refused to answer. I just won't deal with that kind of drama.

I didn't see him for about a month. We had talked on the phone. I had been traveling & was just plain busy. I pretty well figured out the woman was calling because of him. But I wanted him to tell me. He had proved himself a liar & player before & I really didn't think he had changed. So I wanted to see just how much of a pretender he could be. He mentioned it during our next date. He said, very calmly, "my friend found out about us." "She wasn't very happy. I gave her an ultimatum, if she wants to date me, she'll have to put up with me dating you, she was upset, but she agreed."

He then said he wasn't in love with her, but wasn't ready to break up because she treated him good. He said she was in love with him & he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He said at one time they lived together but he recently realized she just wasn't the "one" so he moved back into his home, but they still dated. He said he told her he would never marry her. She had no idea he was dating me & thought they were still exclusive.

I had no reply to any of this. I just couldn't think of a come back. It was all too much. Besides I too was dating another man, but he knew we were not exclusive. I felt really guilty, thinking I was just as bad as he was. I felt really sorry for this other woman, I never want to be in her situation. It was just too much information, too many stories, too much drama. Too much to absorb.

I mulled the situation over for a couple of days. The more I thought about it the more upset I became. With myself, with him & with her. He called & during the conversation I caught him in another & another & another lie. I let him carry on & dig the hole deeper & deeper. When he finished he asked if I wanted to get together for the weekend. I told him no! I said I was just disgusted with the whole situation. Just too many stories & too much drama. I said I was appalled how he was using this other woman. And using me also.

My evil twin came out! I have no idea what else I said. I do remember him laughing & saying well whatever. At one point he did get angry & made a comment about how I thought too much & needed to just accept things as they are. I ended up telling him to call me when he was available & capable of having a grown up relationship. And maybe, if I were available, we would discuss it.

He will call, this I know. But I will never be available again. He is emotionally retarded & a cheater.

CHEATERS, CHEATERS, CHEATERS!!!!

We all know the signs of a cheater. We all know why they cheat. When married, cheating is a difficult situation to be in. When married it is much harder to just walk away, just too much is at stake. But when single & your Significant Other cheats, why stay?

When you are cheater on, the person is saying, "I don't love you, I am here until someone better comes along. It's just a matter of time before I replace you. You are not providing me with all of my needs & I'm looking for someone that will". The cheater has lied to you, manipulated you, put your health at risk & basically disrespected you in the worst way possible.

Unfortunately, most of us have cheated or been cheated on. But when single why bother to stay with a cheater?

During Happy Hour my girl friends & I discussed what type of woman would forgive a cheating boy friend & what type would not. We're talking about single women. Women that are in love in an exclusive relationship with hopes of spending the rest of their life with their Significant Other.

Here's what we came up with.

...Women that don't forgive cheaters tend to relate mental love with physical love. Being intimate, kissing, hugging, holding hands, making love is sacred. Being romantic mentally & physically is very important. This tells these women they are loved. For her birthday she would prefer a candle light dinner at home with just the two of them. A small present from the heart is just fine. How much he paid for it is not important. The sexual part of their relationship is very important to her. This is how the two of them share their love for each other. Cheating is the absolute betrayal! Cheating means this man does not love her. If he were in love with her mentally, he could not love another physically. Cheating is unforgivable. This type of woman will walk away. She will not stay with a man that does not love her.

...Women who do forgive cheaters tend to think a man shows how much he loves her by where he brings her & what he buys her. Eating at high dollar restaurants & receiving expensive presents means he is totally in love & smitten by her. For her birthday she expects him to throw a huge party. All of her friends should be invited to a sit down dinner. He is expected to buy her a fantastic, very expensive present. When a man cheats on this type of woman, she will forgive. IF, if he takes her to a nice restaurant or on a trip, or buy her an expensive gift. To her this means he loves her, is sorry & will never do it again. This woman will convince herself that he definitely loves her. Cheating was just an oops. She will say, "he was soooo sweet when he asked for forgiveness & it was sooo sweet that he would take me to Cabo & buy me a fantastic ruby necklace. He truly does love me, he just proved it!" "I forgive him!"

It really did surprise me how many of my girl friends forgave their cheating boy friends. I'm not sure I could forgive a cheater, no, wrong, I will not forgive a cheater. Not now, not when I am single! But I'm not sure if this shows I am dysfunctional or if the forgivers are.

My girl friends that forgive, have been cheated on by several men, just about every man they have dated. So, do you think men know which woman will forgive them & which woman won't? Do you think habitual cheaters intentionally get involved with women who are forgivers? Do you think this is why forgivers forgive, or are they dysfunctional, or do they just realize crap happens?

Self Help Books

I'm dysfunctional & I have baggage. Sometimes I even go into drama mode. Yep that's me! I grew up in the 70's. Drugs, sex, rock-n-roll, booze & Viet Nam. Oh, & let's not forget the mental & physical punishment inflicted on us. Hitting was allowed. Smacking the snot out of kids was allowed. If you didn't cooperate you were hit; by your parents, by your relatives, your neighbors, your teachers & the nuns. The nuns were the worse! They would smack the God into you with absolutely no remorse. Then make you do 10 Novenas, "forgive me Father for I have sinned, I rolled my eyes at Sister Mary Elephant."

My mother was a screamer & my father was a hitter. "Just wait till your father gets home!", she'd scream with her neck muscles popping out & her eyes bulging out of her head.

So yeah, I have baggage, some I have gotten rid of, some I keep, I use it as an excuse to be bad. After 50+ years of living, I have baggage & that's what makes up me! My bad.

My girlfriends read Self Help books. Then they analyze the rest of us & explain how we are doing this & that wrong. Oh really!

I HATE SELF HELP BOOKS!

One of my girlfriends is reading a book on loving yourself. She says to me, "you know you have to fall in love with yourself, before you can fall in love with a man." Oh really! Excuse me but I am arrogant, I think I am kewl, hot, really hot, all that & a bag of chips. I all ready love myself.

My other girlfriend is reading another book, this one is on sex. She is now a born-again virgin. Yup, she's going to wait until she get's married before she has sex again. She says to me, "I feel sooo fulfilled & cleansed, like I have something grrrreat to look forward to, like I know this new man will find me beautiful & will appreciate the fact that I am saving myself for him". "You should try it," she says to me. Oh really! But I don't want to get married, so why buy the pig when I only want a little sausage. She finds no humor in this.

Another friend is reading a book on relationships. Her man of 3 years has been having an affair (for a year & half) with his ex-girlfriend. This book has told her to forgive him, to stand by him & to let him continue as is until he decides what he wants. Oh really!

She says she knows he loves her. He apologized profusely, took her to a nice restaurant & bought her a beautiful diamond necklace. Oh really! Isn't that prostitution? A man takes a woman to a fancy restaurant, buys her jewelry, they have sex, then he does the same to another woman. Prostitution! To this she replies that the book said she should be more tolerable to her mans needs. Oh really! So he wants his Kate & Edith too & you are to comply? Yes, she says. THUNK, there goes another woman hitting the floor & turning into linoleum.

Then she adds, according to the book, men hate drama & she should have kept it to herself. She should have let the cheating run it's course, because men hate drama. Oh really! To this I say, "men don't hate drama, they hate the emotions that drama brings up. And god forbid if a man has to actually deal with HIS emotions!" Yes, she says, he was sooo distraught when I asked him if he was seeing someone else. Oh the poooooor baby, he cheated, lied, manipulated you, disrespected you in the worse way possible & basically said you are not the one & will be gone when he finds her. Poor poor baby, how dare you bring this to his attention. No wonder he was distraught, you blew his cover, now he ain't got no game!

Another girlfriend is reading a book on the different types of men, how to recognize them & how to avoid them. She says she is attracted to bad boys. Each time it ends very bad with her getting hurt. She just doesn't understand why. Oh really! So you didn't know they were called bad boys cause they are bad? DUH! To this she says, "but they all start out so sweet & when they get bad I think with my love I can change them." Oh really! Isn't insanity doing the same thing over & over again & expecting the same results? I don't think she likes me anymore.

Yep, I'm dysfunctional & have baggage. I don't need a Self Help book to tell me this! Besides, I like who I am & I don't want to change.

One Night Stands

Sexual freedom is just as popular now as it was in the 80's. People go on the prowl looking to find a new Significant Other. Or sometimes, just to hook up for the night. I have never had a one-night-stand. My girl friends have! They tell stories about this one & that one, who did what, who was good in bed, who has a big package, who needs toys, yada yada yada.

This amazes me! They are way past the feeling guilty stage. It has now become an "oh well, it was fun" phase. I just can't do it! They laugh at me & insist I try it just once. Then laugh again & say once is just not enough. They say the first time is just plain ole embarrassing, the second time is an "oh shit I can't believe I did this again", the third time is "wow this is fun". After that there is no thought process you just do it to do it.

The stories they tell are hilarious. One girl friend will start "I went to Happy Hour yesterday. I met the cutest guy, in his early 30's. He said his first sexual experience was with his 40+ neighbor when he was 16. After that he was hooked on older women." She then went on to say the two of them went to her place & had "wild monkey sex". She went into details about the size of his package, the different positions they did, how many times she came, yada yada yada. By the time she was finished with her story we were all in tears with our sides aching from laughing.

Of course once the stories start each gf has to jump in & try to top the last story. Someday I too will have a One Night Stand story. I know mine will top all the rest, I just know it!

MEN TALK TOOO MUCH!

Bar hopping, scouting, going on the prowl in hopes of finding The One, is what all my friends do. We have a special place our "Cheers" bar, where we all know each other way too well to date. However, most of us have dated, or slept with each other in the past. We usually hit the "Cheers" bars for Happy Hour. During Happy Hour we find out the latest, newest & best places to hang out. We also catch up on the latest gossip.

Men are the best gossips. They know all the shit on everyone, both good & bad. They know who's screwing who, who's available, who's not, who did what to who & when & where. Men talk too much! Especially when you feed them liquor. Crown Royal is especially affective.

A new guy has been hanging out at our "Cheers". New Guy is lookin' good. Tall, suntanned, buff, sandy hair. Has all of his teeth & dresses nice too.

My gf, Bev is hot for him. First I ask Carol about him. She's fucked everybody. But not this time. Nope she actually doesn't know him. Whoa that's a first! New Guy has been in here twice & Carol doesn't know him? I find this hard to believe & can't wait to tell all my gfs.

If Carol doesn't know about New Guy then surely the men do. Especially Gary & Gary really likes Crown.

"Hey Gar, what's up?" I say as I approach him with a double Crown & Coke. "Here you go bro I think I owe you one." He reaches for the drink with the "life is good & she's gonna fuck me tonight" grin on his face. No he isn't, no I'm not!

"So baby, what's the scoop with you", I ask. Gary goes into a long drawn out speech about his job. He hates his job, but is too close to retire to quit now. I sympathize with him. Order another Crown. Then change the subject. "What's the story on the new guy", I ask pointing toward New Guy's direction.

Gary says, "you know him, that's Bill". "He's my mail man." Duh! I don't live in Gary's neighborhood, so how would I know. But that's a good sign, shows ole Gar is getting drunk & ready to talk. "So what's the scoop on Bill?" I ask. "Well," Gary says, "he was a livin with sum gal, had been for bout 7+ years, bout 6 months ago they parted ways. He says he's a thinkin bout datin again." "Oh really" I say. Gary goes pee, I order him another Crown, run over & tell Bev what I have learned.

"How about introducing Bill to Bev?" I ask Gary. "Sure" he says. I call Bev over he calls Bill over, the two are introduced.

I spend the next hour or so working the room. Talking & gossiping, finding out the latest scoop from everyone. All the while keeping an eye on Bev & Bill. They have moved to a corner table, just the two of them. I sneak a peek of them sharing a laugh. Bev throws her head back & lets out a good size chuckle. Bill brushes Bev's hair away from her face. Oh yeah they are liking each other!

We girls take a potty break. Bev is all excited. Bill is sooo nice, has a good job, is in the process of building a new home, has a boat, asked for her tele number, yada yada yada. Life is good. Bev is gleaming, Oh shit, he may just be The One. Lucky you!

About eight, Happy Hour is over so we head for the door. I look around to see where Gary is so I can say bye to him. He & Bill are walking out of the bathroom. Gary is laughing his ass off, snorting, with tears running down his face. Laughing so hard he can hardly walk.

He pulls me off to a quiet corner. "Man you aren't a gona believe this", Gary slurs & cracks up laughing again. "Ole Bill is hung like a light switch. Yep his pecker is soooo small, it's like even smaller than my little finger & it's skinny too!" "Shit", I say as I take off running to catch up with Bev.

DANCING

We have our Happy Hour bars & our special weekend hang out bars. We know everyone at these places & just go there for the fun of it. But when we are in between men & on the prowl we go to other places. Lounges in the high dollar districts. The 'good' places where high quality men hang out.

The 'good' places are all the same. The women are over dressed, over make-upped, over sexed, & on the prowl. The men are in suits, over tanned, over manicured & on the prowl.

The women sit at tables in groups of three or more, sip wine, & giggle. The men prowl the room sizing up the women. When a woman catches his fancy, the man will stop, chat a bit & ask her to dance.

Men can tell how good a woman is in bed by the way they dance, or so we are told. If the woman is a good dancer the man will buy her a drink & pursue her further. This ritual continues through the night.

Occasionally a woman will get up & do the man ritual. She will walk the room, drink in hand, sizing up the men. If interested, she will stop & chat with a guy that catches her attention. He buys her a drink, they dance & maybe she continues to talk with him. Just maybe, cause you can tell how good a man is in bed by the way he dances.

Breaking Up & All That Crap

I dated a guy for several years, I have no idea why. Everything went wrong in the relationship, from the first date to the last. So let's call him Murphy.

Murphy was a full-fledged drama king. Anywhere he went it turned into a huge twenty minute drama filled story. A trip to the local grocery store was a twenty minute story, the dentist, again a twenty minute story, the barber, again a twenty minute story, on & on. No matter what he did, it ended in a huge drawn out story, whether it really happened or not didn't matter to him.

Our relationship was the same way. At least once a month there was an emotional upheaval. Always way over the top drama. He was jealous, he was controlling, he was gorgeous, he was rich, he was a liar, he was a cheater & sooo sweet when he wasn't being crazy. Did I mention he was gorgeous & rich?

I was young & hadn't dated much. He was experienced & knew what he was doing. I got caught up in his emotional drama, rode his wave & refused to let go. Even to the point where he moved in with me. But every few months he'd have an emotional breakdown over some imagined incident & he'd move out. Within a few days he'd be back & life would be good for awhile. Then boom out of nowhere he'd be upset & move out. Over & over we'd do this.

Several times I'd put my foot down. "No you are not moving back in again, I'm done", I'd shout at him. He'd cry get pitiful, beg, apologize, he knew he would just up & die without me, yada yada yada. He'd go into full emotional blackmail & I'd give in. Did I mention he was gorgeous, rich & sooo sweet when he wasn't crazy?

There were so many way-out-there breakup stories between Murphy & I but this one sticks in my mind.

He bought me a huge Black Lab puppy. I hated this dog! Murphy promised to feed it, train it, take care of it, but of course he didn't. I didn't have the time or the desire. I hated this dog! It jumped on me, it chewed up my shoes, dug huge holes in the flower beds & crapped everywhere. Crapped everywhere is a minor statement!

The dog had a sensitive stomach & every time it ate it got diaharrea. It crapped non stop, huge gooey piles! It was just horrible! We constantly changed dog food, but we just couldn't find one that suited him. We covered the bath room floor with newspapers & locked him in while we were at work.

The puppy was less than 6 months old when Murphy & I broke up. Murphy was doing his typical emotional blackmail. Calling & crying & begging. Doing the drive by thing. This time I was done! I was just exhausted & couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped answering his calls, refused to deal with him. The end, no more!

I was on travel for work & was to be gone for several days. My neighbor promised to feed the dog & let him out to use the bathroom. What a joke that is. He crapped in the house, he never crapped outside.

He was uncontrollable too. He did not listen, come here to him was blah, blah, blah, sit was blah, blah, blah, don't jump was blah, blah, blah, he was totally untrainable. I hated this dog!

On the third day my neighbor just couldn't get the dog back into the bathroom. He went into my bedroom & refused to budge. She pulled him by the collar trying to drag him, he wouldn't budge, she tried to bribe him with a bone, he wouldn't budge. In frustration she gave up. She figured she'd leave him in my bedroom until the next day & when she got home from work she'd deal with him.

When we were broken up Murphy always did the "drive bys". Checking on me in hopes he'd find a man there so he could feed his drama hunger. One time he actually hid in my attic, spying on me. But that's another story.

I arrived home a little after one in the morning. I walked in the house headed for the bedroom & flipped on the light. Much to my surprise there was crying crazy Murphy. He had snuck into my house, just seconds before me. Not realizing the dog was in there he had crawled across the floor thinking he would hide behind the bed & catch me with my latest lover. Instead he crawled thru the dogs crap & was covered in it. On his hands, on his arms, on his knees, on his crotch where he had scratched himself. He had crap everywhere.

Did I tell you he was gorgeous & rich & soooo sweet when he wasn't crazy?

DON'T PICK THAT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN!

I rarely go with my girlfriends bar hopping, I just can't get into it. I always feel out of place. When walking into a lounge I feel like the men are sizing us up, like cattle for sale. And of course they are.

I have never dated a guy I picked up in a bar. I have met some nice guys, chatted with them & danced with them. But in my mind I can just hear my mother flipping out, so I draw the line when it comes time to give out my number.

Guys don't like this, they don't like to think they have just wasted their night on a woman who was just pretending to be interested. Refusing to give out my number will turn a "was" nice guy into an asshole real quick. But to me, if a guy has nothing better to do than hang out in bars picking up woman, I don't want him. Yeah, I know, what am I doing there!

I am not interested in a party guy, lounge lizard, pick up artist, bar hop. I'm not a drinker & I just don't like the bar atmosphere. The fake personalities, the too politeness, the competition, none of it. I don't like to be sized up like a cheap piece of meat. I don't want men to think I am desperate & easy. Besides my mother would freak out if she heard I was picking men up in bars.

My gf's think I am silly & old fashioned, I don't care what they think, I am me & I like me! And, my mother does not live in their heads.

Usually I do Happy Hour with them every other week. I go bar hopping with them maybe a few times a year. They bar hopp just about every Wednesday, Friday & Saturday. On Sunday they meet at our "Cheers" bar to drink & watch the game. Why bother, they rarely get asked out? It just isn't working for them. There are other places to meet men. Men that aren't half drunk.

Friday night was my gf's birthday, we got all dolled up & headed for the bar. We had reserved a table, invited just about everyone we know & told them to invite anyone they wanted. The more the merrier.

We danced, we drank, we had fun. One of my guy friends introduced me to a collegue of his. We talked, danced & laughed. He was nice, articulate, good looking, polite. He seemed to have his act together. At the end of the night he asked for my telephone number. If I had met him anywhere else but there I would have given him my business card, but because we were in a bar all I could hear was my mother shouting. "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!